What Is a Tantrum? Why Do They Happen?  How can you help your child regulate their emotions?

Have you ever wondered why your child will throw their head back, scream, cry, hit and try to throw things at your head without much provocation?  It’s like a tornado. The sky is shinning, the birds are singing then all of a sudden, it stops. You hear the wind pick up and before you can blink your eyes, there is a cow and a tractor being swept up in a funnel in front of your eyes!

Ahh…….just  Another wonderful day in childhood. 🤣🥳

Today we are going to talk about what is a tantrum and how we as parents can help our children to get through them so they can learn how to regulate their emotions.

A tantrum is a big emotional outburst that happens when someone—usually a young child—doesn’t yet have the words or skills to express what they’re feeling. Tantrums can include crying, screaming, whining, throwing things, banging heads, or collapsing on the floor. While we often associate tantrums with toddlers, the truth is that people of all ages can have them—they just look different in adults.

Think about this: have you ever seen an adult lose their cool in public? I once watched a woman in a grocery store become increasingly frustrated with a long checkout line. Her comments turned into raised voices, and soon she was angrily blaming the cashier, someone who had no control over the situation. The manager stepped in and quickly checked her out at the customer service desk, allowing her to leave ahead of everyone else.

What happened there? The outburst worked. Her frustration got her immediate attention and a faster outcome. That same learning process is happening with young children—just without the life experience or emotional tools adults should have.

Why Are Tantrums So Common in Young Children?

Tantrums are most common in children under five because so much is happening developmentally at this age.

Toddlers:

• Want independence
• Know what they want
• Don’t yet have the words or emotional control to express it

That combination can be incredibly frustrating. When children can’t say “I’m tired,” “I’m overwhelmed,” or “I’m mad,” their feelings often come out through behavior instead.

Tantrums aren’t a sign of “bad behavior.” They are a sign of a developing brain learning how to manage big emotions for the first time.

Attention Matters (More Than We Realize)

Behavior—especially tantrum behavior—is one of the fastest ways to get attention. Children quickly learn what works.

If crying, screaming, or throwing things gets an immediate response, the brain registers that behavior as effective communication. This doesn’t mean children are being manipulative—it means they are learning.

I once worked with a 21-month-old little girl who would cry, scream, and throw things when she became upset. Her mother, acting from love and concern, would immediately pick her up and hug her. From the mother’s perspective, she was comforting her child.

From a child development perspective, however, the child was learning:

“When I scream and throw things, I get hugs and attention.”

Over time, this can increase tantrum behavior—not because the child is doing something wrong, but because the behavior is being reinforced.

Understanding Before Correcting

Young children are still learning:

• How to identify their emotions
• How to wait
• How to handle frustration
• How to use words instead of behavior

Emotional regulation is a skill that develops over time through experience and guidance. Children don’t naturally know how to say “I’m frustrated”—they have to be taught.

Parents play a huge role in teaching these skills by:

• Staying calm
• Modeling patience
• Giving children words for their feelings
• Reinforcing calm, appropriate behavior instead of tantrums

Why Do Children Have Tantrums?

Common reasons include:

• Communication challenges – They can’t fully express what they want or need
• Testing boundaries – They’re discovering independence and control
• Changes in routine – Predictability helps children feel safe
• Basic needs – Hunger, tiredness, or illness lower emotional tolerance
• Overstimulation – Too much noise, activity, or excitement
• Limited emotional regulation – Big feelings with little control

How Parents Can Respond

Here are some practical, parent-friendly strategies:

• Stay calm

Your child borrows your calm. Tantrums are a normal phase—not a parenting failure.

• Keep them safe

If your child is at risk of hurting themselves or others, gently move them to a safe space.

• Avoid rewarding the tantrum

Try not to give in to demands made during the outburst.

• Redirect or distract

Sometimes a simple change in focus can stop a tantrum before it grows.

• Offer simple choices

Choices give children a sense of control:

“Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?”

• Model the words

After the tantrum, help your child label feelings:

“You were really frustrated when we had to leave.”

A Final Reminder for Parents

Tantrums are hard—for children and for parents. Remember, your child isn’t giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time. With patience, consistency, and guidance, tantrums decrease as children learn better ways to communicate and regulate their emotions.

You’re teaching skills that will last a lifetime ❤️